I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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