my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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