Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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