Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
