Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
