I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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