I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
