you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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