just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
