i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
