Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
