So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
