my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
