i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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