dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
