so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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