you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
