It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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