I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
