the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
