1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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