Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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