I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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