We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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