It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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