It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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