Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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