My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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