i think i have two assholes
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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