Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
