so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
