R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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