you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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