fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
