That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
