It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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