Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
