I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
