I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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