Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
