did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
