we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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