im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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