I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he wants to bone in the snuggie
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
