I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
