How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
