I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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