this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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