There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
