I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
