I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
