im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
