apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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