Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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