We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
