i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
