just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
