theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
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I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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